Consent
She had been staring at the ceiling as if in a trance for the past hour, daylight shifted to dawn and the first shadows of nighttime were darkening the hotel room. Her phone beeped and bathed the room in a pale blue light. She tilted her head sideways and lazily reached for the phone.
“I’m sorry I’m late, I had a meeting at the office I’ll be there in fifteen minutes”
She sighed and got up slowly, walking clumsily to the window. When she saw the highway backed up with cars she let out a slight gasp. They were mostly still, until some unseen event in the distance would set off a reaction, the other cars would move until some other unseen event would grind all cars to a halt.The forces that caused the events that set off the reactions were in the future…...hidden from sight, unknowable, uncontrollable. She felt the despair in the beeping horns. They were trapped as she had been in her life. She felt the overwhelming weight of time that she had let pass before taking a decision. Immediately she tasted the bitter metallic tang in the back of her tongue that foretold a panic attack. The cold sweat was building up on her forehead and she worried about ruining her makeup. This was no good. The pills didn’t work anymore. She would have to try the breathing exercises:
Breathe in deep. Hold breath for the count of 40. Exhale for the count of 20. Repeat
Find your rhythm, like the waves in the ocean, she lost herself in thought. She remembered how her parents had taken her to the beach long ago when she was still a child. Her father had been intent on building a cabin in one of the most secluded oceanfront areas in the country. She had seen the ocean before, but as night fell and her parents took her star gazing she was impressed with the night sky. She had never seen the Milky Way before, a streak of white in the middle of the sky Impressive in the way it shone in the night and how it reflected on the ocean. She recalled she was too excited afterwards and kept asking her parents questions, but ultimately the rhythmic sound of waves crashing on the shore had lulled her to sleep.
Better. She felt better. The breathing exercises had lulled her anxieties to sleep. The desperate cars, their horns and their lights faded into the background. They were no milky way.
She hit the lights and went to check up on her makeup, it hadn't been ruined by the cold sweat but she saw it. The wrinkle. The wrinkle in her forehead that parted her face in half. Her forehead from her brow, eyes, nose and mouth. She cringed and the wrinkle became more prominent. She forced herself to smile. The wrinkle was still there. She tried more make up. She had read that powder would reduce the caked on look and that would reduce the impression of lines on her face. It just became more prominent. She wiped her forehead with her hand but the wrinkle remained. There was no way of getting rid of it, It was a mark of time. The mark that bore the weight and price of her decision. Time for waiting for things to be just right, until they weren't. Time had run out and the decision she had to make was made for her in a way. People she loved had been hurt. She felt the burden of those she hurt. The wrinkle divided who she had been from who she was now. Immediately the bitter taste returned. She turned the lights off in anger. Breathe in ...
The sea of red taillights and white headlights became visible once again. Roosevelt Boulevard, named after the American president, hadn't always been a 10 lane highway. In her youth it had been only 4 lanes wide. Before that, she didn’t know. She recalled how her father told her how roads were built upon older roads. She recalled that the hotel in where she was waiting for him was built over the ruins of one of the biggest cities to have existed in the American continent. But time had passed and it was no more. Now there was this hotel, this highway filled with tens of thousands of cars, the wrinkle in her forehead, and her breathing exercises to cover up the panic attacks.
Her phone beeped and the screen lit up the room.
“I’m coming up”
She turned on the lights, looked at herself on the mirror and put on her lipstick. There was no time for thinking about the past. The decisions had been made and the time for remembering was over.
She quickly opened the door when she heard the knock and looked at him. It was him from his dating site pictures, except it wasn’t quite him. He looked off, a little heavier and shorter than what his profile had promised. The top of his head met with the bottom of her chin. The ridiculously high heels she had worn felt more ridiculous now. He had asked for them, she had consented to his request.
“Monica?” She forced a smile and nodded as a reply “You look beautiful.”. He sounded sincere and so, deciding that this was good enough, she grabbed him by the hand and pulled him in. At first he didn’t budge, he turned his head so as if to see that no one was seeing him going in and pulled the door behind him. She didn't mind. She could be his secret. She had secrets too. Monica wasn't her real name.
She kissed him on the lips. He seemed surprised and kissed back. He pulled away. “I see we're not wasting any time” They kissed until she tried to lead him by his hand to the bed. Again, he didn’t budge. “Wow, do you want to do this right away?” She didn’t, She just wanted to sit on the bed and rest her weight somewhere else than those ridiculous shoes that cramped her feet. She walked alone to the bed and sat while he followed closely. She moved to take a shoe off. When her hand touched the left shoe, he grabbed her hand. “Leave them on”. She smiled in confusion as he took her hands, knelt before her and kissed her in between her legs, His beard tickled her and she giggled.. “Get on all fours”.
She laughed to herself at the idea of someone ordering her around. "What's funny" he asked. She didn't answer as she thought to herself that maybe it could be fun. So, she got on all fours. He kissed her like she had never been kissed. She liked it. It was warm and wet and hard and soft.
“Are you ready?” She turned her head and nodded. “Was that a yes?”
“Let’s do it” she replied and she winked at him. She then looked between her legs and saw him upside down preparing himself. She turned around immediately and grabbed a condom off of the nightstand. She smiled her best seductive smile “Aren't you forgetting something?” He frowned and she he saw a wrinkle on his forehead. “Come on, I'll make it worth your while”
She turned around and took him into her mouth. He tasted like mint and this numbed her mouth. It was probably some sort of sensation reducing spray He pulled her head closer and she gagged. She tried pushing away from his thighs as he held her head. She took a deep breath through her nose. She felt the bitter taste building up and punched him in the thigh. He let her head go and immediately began to apologize.
“I'm sorry, you were so good, I got carried away baby.”
Baby….that was so corny but she felt flattered. She ran through a quick.list of pros and cons in her head. The mint didn’t taste bad. The mint covered the bitter taste and numbed her tongue. Breathe in. Hold your breath. Exhale. She smiled her best serious smile at him. “Don't do that again.” He raised his eyebrow and laughed. “I won't.”
She played with him a bit and she put the condom on him. He smiled. She sat in the bed, backed away facing him and opened her legs. He grabbed her by the ankles and closed her legs, crossing one foot over the other. He twisted them and flipped her over. She was surprised by his strength. She had underestimated him because of his height.
“I told you to get on all fours, remember?” He sounded Sarcastic.
“I wanted to kiss you face to face” She said this playfully. She thought this might change his mind. It didn't. He yanked her hair back. This lifted her head and left her mouth open. He put his tongue inside her mouth. “See, we can still kiss.” She didn't respond. “Can we kiss or not?” She didn't respond. She felt the bitter taste building in the back of her mouth. “Answer me!” She took in a deep breath “Yeah, I guess, but that’s not how…”.
“Was that a yes?” He cut her off before she could finish.“Yes” Her answer was meek and barely audible. He grabbed her by her hips and lifted her backside so that her knees were holding her up. She pushed up with her arms and leveled her back lifting her chest from the bed.
Breathe in. Hold your breath. Exhale.
“Are you ready?” She looked back at him and saw he was still wearing protection. She tasted the bitterness from her tongue to her throat
Breathe in
“Did you hear me?”
Hold your breath.
“I said are you ready?”
Exhale through the mouth
“Answer me…”.
repeat
“Yes” she sighed. He raised his voice in return “Yes what?”
“Yes, I'm ready?”
She thought it was ridiculous question. Maybe this was why she had answered with a question herself. It wasn't meant for him, It was meant for her. She felt him inside her and it hurt. That snapped her out of her trance. She suddenly was aware of the smell of the hotel room, the smell of his sweat, the humming of the air conditioner and the dull beep of the cars outside the hotel.
“Wait, slower.” She knew her body. She needed to warm up. It had been always this way when she started playing with her toys. The difference was, she could control them.
“Wait” He stopped. He pulled her hair back and kissed her like he had promised
“Shut up” he whispered into her ear. “But.” She thought there was a way to control this
“I said, Shut up!” He pressed her shoulder blades with his weight. Her arms couldn't hold her up anymore. Her chest collapsed on the bed. Her body was pinning her arms under her weight. His body was pinning her body under him. He was still inside her. She squeezed with all her might and pushed him out
“Why did you do that, bitch?” She started to respond but he pushed her head against the pillow with one hand. She struggled to put her face sideways so as to breathe and to be able to talk. She heard the sound of him taking off the condom. She struggled as hard as she could until she finally moved her head sideways so his hand was pressing her head against the bed by pushing down on her her ear.
“Stop”
“Don't”
“Please”
She closed her legs and squeezed as hard as she could. He pressed his knees in between her thighs, the pain was so intense that she relented. He pried apart her legs with his knees.
“Please.”
“Stop”
“Don't”
“no”
Breathe deep
“No”
Hold your breath
“No!!!”
She didn’t exhale. she felt tears fall from the eye that was open. Her cry of no’s somehow had synced themselves with the desperate horns of the cars ten stories below her. She wept as she struggled to move her arms from under her body. His palm against her ear relented somewhat only as his body pushed back and forth. The result of this action was hearing a whooshing sound like ocean waves. The bitterness in her mouth was overwhelmed with the taste of her tears mixed with his sweat, tasting as salty as the ocean water. She felt like she was drowning. She wanted to fight him off. She couldn’t anymore. Not after that decision that changed her life forever. Not after losing so much weight and muscle mass. Not after the hormones that made her feel like her body finally belonged to her.
She remembered to that other time in her life, before she was her, when as a little boy his mother had explained to him about the ocean currents and the undertow on that trip to the beach. She had explained to him that when you're being pulled under by the might of the ocean, there was no way to resist. Those that struggled died. Those that relaxed and saved their strength, could hope to swim back to the shore later.
“Are you enjoying this bitch?” His voice pulled her back to the present. She cried as she tried to say no. “I couldn't hear that! Was that a yes?”
“Yes.”, she consented
The room went silent as she felt the pillow pressing against her face. She felt the wrinkled creases of the pillow against her eyes becoming embedded into her skin, becoming a part of her face.
“I’m sorry I’m late, I had a meeting at the office I’ll be there in fifteen minutes”
She sighed and got up slowly, walking clumsily to the window. When she saw the highway backed up with cars she let out a slight gasp. They were mostly still, until some unseen event in the distance would set off a reaction, the other cars would move until some other unseen event would grind all cars to a halt.The forces that caused the events that set off the reactions were in the future…...hidden from sight, unknowable, uncontrollable. She felt the despair in the beeping horns. They were trapped as she had been in her life. She felt the overwhelming weight of time that she had let pass before taking a decision. Immediately she tasted the bitter metallic tang in the back of her tongue that foretold a panic attack. The cold sweat was building up on her forehead and she worried about ruining her makeup. This was no good. The pills didn’t work anymore. She would have to try the breathing exercises:
Breathe in deep. Hold breath for the count of 40. Exhale for the count of 20. Repeat
Find your rhythm, like the waves in the ocean, she lost herself in thought. She remembered how her parents had taken her to the beach long ago when she was still a child. Her father had been intent on building a cabin in one of the most secluded oceanfront areas in the country. She had seen the ocean before, but as night fell and her parents took her star gazing she was impressed with the night sky. She had never seen the Milky Way before, a streak of white in the middle of the sky Impressive in the way it shone in the night and how it reflected on the ocean. She recalled she was too excited afterwards and kept asking her parents questions, but ultimately the rhythmic sound of waves crashing on the shore had lulled her to sleep.
Better. She felt better. The breathing exercises had lulled her anxieties to sleep. The desperate cars, their horns and their lights faded into the background. They were no milky way.
She hit the lights and went to check up on her makeup, it hadn't been ruined by the cold sweat but she saw it. The wrinkle. The wrinkle in her forehead that parted her face in half. Her forehead from her brow, eyes, nose and mouth. She cringed and the wrinkle became more prominent. She forced herself to smile. The wrinkle was still there. She tried more make up. She had read that powder would reduce the caked on look and that would reduce the impression of lines on her face. It just became more prominent. She wiped her forehead with her hand but the wrinkle remained. There was no way of getting rid of it, It was a mark of time. The mark that bore the weight and price of her decision. Time for waiting for things to be just right, until they weren't. Time had run out and the decision she had to make was made for her in a way. People she loved had been hurt. She felt the burden of those she hurt. The wrinkle divided who she had been from who she was now. Immediately the bitter taste returned. She turned the lights off in anger. Breathe in ...
The sea of red taillights and white headlights became visible once again. Roosevelt Boulevard, named after the American president, hadn't always been a 10 lane highway. In her youth it had been only 4 lanes wide. Before that, she didn’t know. She recalled how her father told her how roads were built upon older roads. She recalled that the hotel in where she was waiting for him was built over the ruins of one of the biggest cities to have existed in the American continent. But time had passed and it was no more. Now there was this hotel, this highway filled with tens of thousands of cars, the wrinkle in her forehead, and her breathing exercises to cover up the panic attacks.
Her phone beeped and the screen lit up the room.
“I’m coming up”
She turned on the lights, looked at herself on the mirror and put on her lipstick. There was no time for thinking about the past. The decisions had been made and the time for remembering was over.
She quickly opened the door when she heard the knock and looked at him. It was him from his dating site pictures, except it wasn’t quite him. He looked off, a little heavier and shorter than what his profile had promised. The top of his head met with the bottom of her chin. The ridiculously high heels she had worn felt more ridiculous now. He had asked for them, she had consented to his request.
“Monica?” She forced a smile and nodded as a reply “You look beautiful.”. He sounded sincere and so, deciding that this was good enough, she grabbed him by the hand and pulled him in. At first he didn’t budge, he turned his head so as if to see that no one was seeing him going in and pulled the door behind him. She didn't mind. She could be his secret. She had secrets too. Monica wasn't her real name.
She kissed him on the lips. He seemed surprised and kissed back. He pulled away. “I see we're not wasting any time” They kissed until she tried to lead him by his hand to the bed. Again, he didn’t budge. “Wow, do you want to do this right away?” She didn’t, She just wanted to sit on the bed and rest her weight somewhere else than those ridiculous shoes that cramped her feet. She walked alone to the bed and sat while he followed closely. She moved to take a shoe off. When her hand touched the left shoe, he grabbed her hand. “Leave them on”. She smiled in confusion as he took her hands, knelt before her and kissed her in between her legs, His beard tickled her and she giggled.. “Get on all fours”.
She laughed to herself at the idea of someone ordering her around. "What's funny" he asked. She didn't answer as she thought to herself that maybe it could be fun. So, she got on all fours. He kissed her like she had never been kissed. She liked it. It was warm and wet and hard and soft.
“Are you ready?” She turned her head and nodded. “Was that a yes?”
“Let’s do it” she replied and she winked at him. She then looked between her legs and saw him upside down preparing himself. She turned around immediately and grabbed a condom off of the nightstand. She smiled her best seductive smile “Aren't you forgetting something?” He frowned and she he saw a wrinkle on his forehead. “Come on, I'll make it worth your while”
She turned around and took him into her mouth. He tasted like mint and this numbed her mouth. It was probably some sort of sensation reducing spray He pulled her head closer and she gagged. She tried pushing away from his thighs as he held her head. She took a deep breath through her nose. She felt the bitter taste building up and punched him in the thigh. He let her head go and immediately began to apologize.
“I'm sorry, you were so good, I got carried away baby.”
Baby….that was so corny but she felt flattered. She ran through a quick.list of pros and cons in her head. The mint didn’t taste bad. The mint covered the bitter taste and numbed her tongue. Breathe in. Hold your breath. Exhale. She smiled her best serious smile at him. “Don't do that again.” He raised his eyebrow and laughed. “I won't.”
She played with him a bit and she put the condom on him. He smiled. She sat in the bed, backed away facing him and opened her legs. He grabbed her by the ankles and closed her legs, crossing one foot over the other. He twisted them and flipped her over. She was surprised by his strength. She had underestimated him because of his height.
“I told you to get on all fours, remember?” He sounded Sarcastic.
“I wanted to kiss you face to face” She said this playfully. She thought this might change his mind. It didn't. He yanked her hair back. This lifted her head and left her mouth open. He put his tongue inside her mouth. “See, we can still kiss.” She didn't respond. “Can we kiss or not?” She didn't respond. She felt the bitter taste building in the back of her mouth. “Answer me!” She took in a deep breath “Yeah, I guess, but that’s not how…”.
“Was that a yes?” He cut her off before she could finish.“Yes” Her answer was meek and barely audible. He grabbed her by her hips and lifted her backside so that her knees were holding her up. She pushed up with her arms and leveled her back lifting her chest from the bed.
Breathe in. Hold your breath. Exhale.
“Are you ready?” She looked back at him and saw he was still wearing protection. She tasted the bitterness from her tongue to her throat
Breathe in
“Did you hear me?”
Hold your breath.
“I said are you ready?”
Exhale through the mouth
“Answer me…”.
repeat
“Yes” she sighed. He raised his voice in return “Yes what?”
“Yes, I'm ready?”
She thought it was ridiculous question. Maybe this was why she had answered with a question herself. It wasn't meant for him, It was meant for her. She felt him inside her and it hurt. That snapped her out of her trance. She suddenly was aware of the smell of the hotel room, the smell of his sweat, the humming of the air conditioner and the dull beep of the cars outside the hotel.
“Wait, slower.” She knew her body. She needed to warm up. It had been always this way when she started playing with her toys. The difference was, she could control them.
“Wait” He stopped. He pulled her hair back and kissed her like he had promised
“Shut up” he whispered into her ear. “But.” She thought there was a way to control this
“I said, Shut up!” He pressed her shoulder blades with his weight. Her arms couldn't hold her up anymore. Her chest collapsed on the bed. Her body was pinning her arms under her weight. His body was pinning her body under him. He was still inside her. She squeezed with all her might and pushed him out
“Why did you do that, bitch?” She started to respond but he pushed her head against the pillow with one hand. She struggled to put her face sideways so as to breathe and to be able to talk. She heard the sound of him taking off the condom. She struggled as hard as she could until she finally moved her head sideways so his hand was pressing her head against the bed by pushing down on her her ear.
“Stop”
“Don't”
“Please”
She closed her legs and squeezed as hard as she could. He pressed his knees in between her thighs, the pain was so intense that she relented. He pried apart her legs with his knees.
“Please.”
“Stop”
“Don't”
“no”
Breathe deep
“No”
Hold your breath
“No!!!”
She didn’t exhale. she felt tears fall from the eye that was open. Her cry of no’s somehow had synced themselves with the desperate horns of the cars ten stories below her. She wept as she struggled to move her arms from under her body. His palm against her ear relented somewhat only as his body pushed back and forth. The result of this action was hearing a whooshing sound like ocean waves. The bitterness in her mouth was overwhelmed with the taste of her tears mixed with his sweat, tasting as salty as the ocean water. She felt like she was drowning. She wanted to fight him off. She couldn’t anymore. Not after that decision that changed her life forever. Not after losing so much weight and muscle mass. Not after the hormones that made her feel like her body finally belonged to her.
She remembered to that other time in her life, before she was her, when as a little boy his mother had explained to him about the ocean currents and the undertow on that trip to the beach. She had explained to him that when you're being pulled under by the might of the ocean, there was no way to resist. Those that struggled died. Those that relaxed and saved their strength, could hope to swim back to the shore later.
“Are you enjoying this bitch?” His voice pulled her back to the present. She cried as she tried to say no. “I couldn't hear that! Was that a yes?”
“Yes.”, she consented
The room went silent as she felt the pillow pressing against her face. She felt the wrinkled creases of the pillow against her eyes becoming embedded into her skin, becoming a part of her face.
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