Getting ghosted by your crush before covid

I can't recall well when you started disappearing from my life, i guess it was a night of drama when you destroyed the discord server and blocked everyone on it. We still had Facebook and chatted a couple of time. You'd like my stories until you didn't and your profile was deleted and I couldn't find you on Snapchat.

Sometimes I google you. I guess enough time has passed from when we last spoke to make it not seem creepy. How many years has it been? I remember that in our last conversation so much time had passed that I couldn't recognize you anymore. At first it could be mistaken for you no longer being the you that I knew, when in fact you had grown and it's just who you are. You without me.

We only chatted for  couple of days before you went silent again. I guess this is a necessary skill you pick up when you're like us. That ability to break from the past and focus on the future without ever looking back. If I'm being honest, it's a skill I haven't acquired. I guess I constantly feel the pull of the past that makes it difficult for me to move forward. This is probably the reason I've googled you today.

At first, your last name doesn't come easily to me, but that's solved by adding other things to  your name that only a few people know about and you pop up on google. Among the bio things i already knew from before, there's some new published pieces you've written. I chuckle when I again read your piece about ants on stilts. Your wit, your seriousness and your humor carries on well in your writing, just like I remember you.

Reading this just makes me miss you more.

I feel it as a heartache when I think of how we almost were together except but for my fucked up geographical location that cuts off any possibility of physical contact with other people I have crushed on.

I miss our late night chats where you revealed your worries on how you wanted to look versus the professional look you were that was expected of you. I miss your discord server where drama was always on the plate and where sometimes we had private conversations that you didn't want anyone else to know. I miss your vidchats from out of the blue where you asked me for  your opinion on what you were wearing and how you looked. I would answer "nice tits, fag" and that always made you laugh. It was our inside joke. I guess I wasn't much help critiquing your look. I always thought that you looked beautiful. To myself I would think that I loved your vulnerability even though you put on that tough girl show.

I don't know if I really miss you or it's just the platonic idea of of the possibility of us heightened by the passage of time. The possibility of how things might have been. The idealization of the idea  that somewhere sometime someone actually "got me" derived and made more intense from spending time alone musing on my thoughts during this quarantine.

Maybe it was because you were the first person I got to be myself with.

I've gone on with my life as you've done. I tell myself that what I feel comes from when things were new and everything seemed possible. In the end, I know it was just a crush.